Warning! Helicopter Parents at 1,000 Feet!
Take our multiple-choice quiz to uncover your preferred cruising altitude
9. Ask not for whom the cellphone rings:
Your daughter's being away at college hasn't made such a difference. Especially since:
A. You're her personal alarm clock, calling every morning to wake her for class. And E-mail makes it easier than ever to edit her papers or help her decide which dress to buy!
B. "I didn't see her that much when she lived here, either."
C. You stay in touch via E-mail and cellphone, at least once a week—more, depending on what's happening at home or on campus.
ANSWER: Daily calls and E-mails don't necessarily constitute helicopter parenting, Riera comments; frequency of checking in depends on family communication style—as well as the need to keep in touch in an illness or emergency (C). But when calls and E-mails cross the line (A) into micromanaging or vicariously living your kids' lives, you risk creating a codependency, he warns: "Students have to have some mystery in their lives." Disconnecting altogether (B) may save cellphone bills, but you lose something more important: your relationship.
10. To butt in or not to butt in:
My son sounded so blue on the phone. Maybe I should:
A. Head to his college to fix the problem. Should we think about transferring to another school?
B. Remind him he's the one who wanted to leave home.
C. Wait and see; give him time to find his way before barging in.
ANSWER: "When your kid has a problem in college," says Riera, "90 percent of the time the right response is, 'I'm not sure what the answer is, but you're resourceful, and I think you'll work it out.'" (C) That doesn't mean you should ignore his mood (B) any more than you should initiate a quick-fix transfer (A). "Growing pains of first semester almost certainly pass," Riera advises. But listen up for the 10 percent chance that something is amiss—an undiagnosed illness, for instance, or an unhealthy binge-drinking scene—when you really may need to call the resident adviser to see what's going on. As too many campus incidents have shown, a pattern of erratic, risky, or unexplained behavior—whether by your child's friends or your child himself—can be an important red flag, a cause for both scrutiny and concern.
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